Crossover Wars
by Darth Aznable
Summary: Read it and be amazed at the stupidity of its author! Fun 4 Everyone!


Crossover Wars  
  
Episode 1  
  
Attack of the Garden Gnomes  
  
By Darth Aznable  
  
Fine Print: I do not own LOTR, Final Fantasy 1,7,10, Mario, Dragonball Z, Legend of Zelda, Fred Durst, Canadaland, Nemesis, Spider-man, Char Aznable, the Ham Sandwich, Pepsi, but I do own the. Garden Gnomes!!! NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! And Bob. N E ways I don't own the characters n stuff typed above and some others that will probably appear.  
  
One day in Middle earth, Gandalf the White was riding his horse, Shadowfax, home from a gnome trade show in the Shire. Gandalf was pleased at the bargain he made to get 3 gnomes for the price of 1 as he toked away on his crack pipe looking pipe. When he got home he tied up Shadowfax, brought him some food and went into his house to watch the Playboy Channel. They were doing a special on dwarf women and their beards. He sat down the gnomes on his table and when he was about to turn on the TV, he accidentally knocked all 3 of the gnomes off the table and into a bucket labeled "Magical Life Giving Potion". Gandalf franticly rushed towards the gnomes but it was too late. The gnomes were alive and hopped out of the bucket, ran to the kitchen, grabbed kitchen knives, and ran back and stabbed Gandalf in the foot because they were half a foot tall and really couldn't stab anything important. Gandalf hopped up and down in pain shouting, "You little shits, what the fuck do you think you're going to accomplish by stabbing someone in the foot?" The gnomes looked up at Gandalf and said in a squeaky voice, "So you can't chase after us when we steal your potion you stupid old fart." Then the gnome stabbed Gandalf in the other foot. The other two gnomes picked up the potion, and ran outside. Larry was on his way to work in his new Geo. Boy was he happy being able to get a good deal on such a shitty car. Suddenly he stopped and almost hit what he thought were squirrels. He waited for them to pass but suddenly one of the squirrels opened up the passenger side. The squirrel turned out to be a gnome holding a kitchen knife, a very angry gnome who used his kitchen knife and drove it through Larry's eye. Larry screamed like a bitch and died. The three gnomes pushed Larry's body out of the driver side of the Geo. They put the potion in the back and sped off. Gandalf, who was probably in a lot of pain what with being stabbed in both feet and all, crawled to his telephone and dialed somebody's phone number. When someone picked up on the other line Gandalf spoke into the telephone " Hey Aragorn. who the hell do you think this is, its me Gandalf, remember I saved your sorry ass at Helms Deep? Yeah, well I need a favor. Well I kinda just brought a couple of garden gnomes to life and they appear to be minions from hell. Yeah they killed someone in front of my house. What do you mean 'check on him' those little bastards stabbed me in both my feet. I can't walk. Call some people tell them to meet at my house at 5. Yeah ill try to see if I can walk, and if I can, I'm gonna kick your.hello..hello.. ok bye." He hangs up the phone.  
  
Meanwhile  
  
Spider-man was getting home from a hard days work of murdering people. Over the past year Spider-man's spider blood made him hungry for human victims. So the dreadful arachnid terrorizes New York City. He walks in the room of his apartment and his telephone rings " Hello? Oh hey Aragorn, how were those hookers I set you up with? Did you find out they were really men. Oh you didn't, and you slept with them? HAHAHAHHAHA damn you are such an idiot. What Gandalf is in trouble? Garden gnomes huh. Holy Shit. Ok, I'll be there in a while bye.  
  
Somewhere else  
  
We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of pie, we lie, we lie, we lie, we lie, we lie because we like to eat the pie.  
  
Meanwhile  
  
Link and Zelda were walking together at the gates of Hyrule. Zelda turns to him and says, "Link there something I want to tell you but I couldn't because I was too scared to tell you." Link thinks to himself, 'All right finally tonight is night I get to score with Zelda! The reading from Ms. Cleo came true.' "Link I was never kidnapped, my boyfriend Ganondorf put me up to it because he likes to get his ass beat by a guy. I think he's probably gay. Last time we spoke he said that you have a cute butt." Link was stupified; he pulled out his sword and was about to commit suicide but his cell phone rings. "Hello, oh hi Aragorn. Gandalf is in trouble? Did he blow up an abortion clinic again? Garden Gnomes? Ok, I'll be there in a minute, bye" He hangs up the cell phone and cuts off Princess Zelda's head. "That's for not sleeping with me. I'm still a virgin damnit arrgh!!" shouts a sexually frustrated Link. A guard comes over to where all the shouting is and finds the princess decapitated. He blows on his whistle and 20 guards come out of nowhere and start chasing Link.  
  
Again with the Meanwhile  
  
"You must concentrate, let the Spedoinkle pass thru you and then and only then can you reach Spedoinklism." spoke a crazed, naked hobo in a cardboard box. He had a bottle of Mad Dog in his right hand. He was living on the streets of Canadaland, where every Canaijin wore baggy pants and held hockey sticks in their hands. Plus they had Maple leaves as currency. God I hate Canaijins. If any Canaijins are reading this would you be so kind and eat shit and kill yourself? Thank you, now on with the story. The crazed, naked man will probably be me when I hit 35 but his name was Bob. Don't question my ways just understand his name is Bob. Actually Bob had a wonderful wife and two kids but all that disappeared when 'it' showed up in his life. Yes 'It' was Pepsi. Pepsi made Bob go mad and kill the cats in the neighborhood. Pepsi made Bob steal babies from their candies. Yes Pepsi even made Bob cheat on his wife by having sex with.......his wife.um wait that didn't make any sense. Ok on with story, in a nutshell Bob was addicted to Pepsi. He went to P.A., or Pepsi Anonymous. There they told him the cure was in Canadaland. And Bob went to Canadaland but all he found was dirt and nasty-ass Canaijins. Plus Canadaland was having a civil war over how to say Eh and Aboot. The fucking dumbasses. Get a life!!  
  
Bob continued his ranting until a nearby payphone started ringing. He walked over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello you called Bobs' cardboard box and Spedoinklism cathedral, how can I kill you today?" Bob said in an eerily cheery voice. "Um I was calling for pizza but I guess you'll do. Come down to middle earth we need your help with Garden gnomes." Said Aragorn. "Do they have Pepsi?" asked Bob "Uh yeah" said Aragorn "Ok see ya there" He hangs up the phone. "Away" shouts Bob as he starts to fly.  
  
elihwneaM  
  
Fred Durst was getting on the Limp Bizkit Bus but a bunch of fan girls rush him and stole his clothes and most of his possessions plus the tour bus. They only left him a bag of peanuts, a censor bar {you know, one of those black bars that cover the naughty parts}, his keys, and a cell phone. He was running across the parking lot as Bob was flying overhead "Whoa man I see dead people." Said Bob Fred Durst's cell phone rings. The ring is set the song Break Stuff. A very cool song indeed. Listen to it whenever you get the chance. "Hello? Oh shit, sup Aragorn, loved Two Towers dawg. What you need man? What something about gnomes? Sure be there in a while gotta get some clothes. Bye" He hangs up and runs toward a mall near there.  
  
Banana Hammock  
  
Vejita and Son Goku were flying for no particular reason other than that they could fly. Soon they reach Capsule Corps where Bulma was waiting for them. "Vejita, you midget man-whore, where the hell have you been?" "Up your ass woman, I go wherever I please", said the saiyan prince. The phone rings but both Vejita and Bulma are to busy arguing to answer it, so Son Goku walks over to it and picks it up "Hello?" "Uh hi is Vejita there?" "Yeah but he's busy right now" "Okay could you tell him to bring some friends and come to Middle Earth?" "Ok, bye" He hangs up and he and Vejita leave. Oh yeah Vejita lost the fight because Vejita was so short and Bulma was so tall all she had to do was knee him in his huge ass forehead.  
  
Where was I again?  
  
While all that interesting crap was taking place the evil little garden gnomes were going around in that crappy Geo and finding other garden gnomes and bringing them to life. Up to now they got about 48 gnomes in their tiny army of deranged little garden gnome thingies.  
  
At Squaresoft HQ  
  
"Welcome to 11th annual FF conference" says a random Japanese man in broken English. At the party were Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, and Sephiroth from FF 7. Tidus, Yuna, Lulu, and Rikku from FF 10. And Fighter, Black Mage, White Mage, and Thief from FF 1. All the rest from FF 2 3 4 5 6 8 and 9 have died in a car crash.  
  
"Losers" mutters Black Mage under his breath. A moment of silence for those lucky bastards who aren't featured in this story. Ring goes the phone at Square as someone picks it up. "Hey there's a call for a Sephiroth, a Mr. Sephiroth." Said the random idiot. "That's me you fool," says Sephiroth and he kills him instantly. "Hello oh it you what the hell do you want...hell no, no fucking way, that old man tried to grab my ass the last time I was there....how much..... fine we'll come but if he comes near me I'll cut off his hands I swear to god.ok bye." Sephiroth hangs up the phone and turns to the dorky crowd. "Guys we need to go to Middle Earth because Gandalf the Gay can't clean up his own goddamn messes. Random Idiot take care of the place while we're gone" "Sorry Sir but I can't do that, you killed me," replied Random Idiot and he turned into a pile of dust. "Damn.ok Tidus you take care of the place and don't question me, you too Cloud." Stated by a stern Sephiroth {say that 10 time fast}. "Damnit" said by Cloud and Tidus in unison. 'Just me and the fine chickipoos' thinks Sephiroth. He has a huge smile on his ugly mug. "What about us?" stated the 8-bit FF crew "You can come too I guess" said Sephiroth.  
  
Hey look a Cabbit  
  
Lets look into the magical realm of Mario and his pals. Oh look its Mario.what's wrong Mario. oh hahahahah he said he ate the wrong mushroom and says, "I feel a-fucked up-a". Oh Mario what a character. God I hate my life. A telephone rings and Mario, who was trippin on 'shrooms at the time, answered it. "Uh Hello" "Mario, it's Aragorn, bring your Italian ass down to Middle Earth now ok see ya."  
  
2 hours later  
  
"Holy shit-a Aragorn-a I just-a realized something, Im Italian-a, that's-a funny ahahahahahahhhaahhahahah", Mario then hangs up the phone and then dies from eating too many shrooms. He ate 43. Peach and his gay brother Luigi will miss him.  
  
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood shuck.DAMMIT  
  
In the hall of Human Fuckups Nemesis was sharing a cell with Mr. X, and Tyrant. They were talking. (I know they cant talk, but dammit its my story.) Nemesis: I hate people I gonna kill something right now The 9-foot baldheaded behemoth bashed his tentacle through his cell wall and grabbed Bob the Builder in the next cell and ripped his head off. Nemesis: Ahhh much better. Tyrant: Hole. He points to the hole Not being complete geniuses Mr. X, Tyrant, and Nemesis waited 10 minutes until they realized they could escape. So they did. They saw the garden gnomes and decided to join their crusade to rid the world of all things not gnomish. I guess.  
  
The gnome force grew larger by the minute at this point they are at exactly 26,467 gnomes. Damn that's a lot of gnomes. I guess people have a lot of garden gnomes. Plus they recruited bad guys such as Char Aznable, Satan, Blue, The Teletubbies, Barney {ughhhh} and the most nefarious of the all...Pikachu {NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO Aaaauugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my eyes, they BBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNNN} Hold on a sec, must put on eye disinfectant..... ahhhhhhhhh much better. Yep their force was big and so cute it would make your head explode 3 times!!!  
  
How would you like to take a field trip... in my pants?  
  
Soon afterwards everyone arrived at Gandalf's house. "Where the fuck have you people been, those bastards have a force of about 26,000 so we are going to have to fight so we can keep this story going." Said Gandalf "Sorry" said everyone. "Ok, but we have to come up with a force that almost meets bare minimum so when we start fighting we lose till near the end then we start winning. "Sounds like a plan", said Spiderman {hehe that rhymes} "Agreed" said everyone else.  
  
Pooper Scooper  
  
Everyone was preparing for battle but Bob and Mario haven't arrived yet. Link was walking around when he saw what he thought was the love of his life, Rikku. He walks over to her and asks her a question. "Hey are you attracted to small guys," asked Link. "Don't tell me your penis size you freak!!!" She punts him like a football and a Spanish announcer man appears from nowhere and shouts "GGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL". Then everyone cheers. Sephiroth is sitting under a tree with his eyes closed. 'I wonder if I can do all 5 of those little chickis at once' thinks one perverted Sephiroth. After thinking about it, Sephiroth's nose starts to bleed. He regains his thoughts and thinks about the upcoming battle. Gandalf eyes Sephiroth and starts to walk over to him. "Don't even think about it you old fucker." Says Sephiroth. Gandalf walks away.  
  
They are going to steal my eyes when I'm not looking.  
  
Luckily they get up a force of about 5000, all are which mostly Hobbits that are strangely led by Danny DeVito. Plus a few 1000 elves and a couple 100 humans with the rest being the main cast of characters. They decided that the battlefield would be at the parking lot of Blockbuster right near Ass Auto because if it stinks it's probably one of our mechanics. Both forces show up and like any good fight scene it starts to rain. Luckily Barney is allergic to water to so when he got wet he started convulsing and puked up green shit {literally!} and imploded. Hehe that was kinda funny. The leaders of each army met at the middle of the battlefields Tomma {name of leader of the gnome resistance} says in a squeaky voice "If you give up we wont kill you all just the nameless people." "Never" said a nameless person. "Shut up" said Vejita as he blew up that nameless person. Gandalf doesn't agree because he has a small asshole and he won't change his way. So the battle starts. The gnome army is mostly made of gnomes only the generals aren't gnomes except Tomma. Both armies charge at each other screaming, mooning each other, and other such joyous events.  
  
Both armies meet each other at the middle and...  
  
Due to limited budget and laziness, Gandalf's side won with the loss of all the hobbits including Danny DeVito, most of the humans and 5 elves. Thief, Fighter, Goku, and Frodo died as well. We won't miss them. Gandalf's side won when Bob who stopped by Fort Army and took a nuke and dropped it on the gnome army, shattering them, killing all the gnomes, The Tellitubbies, Blue, Mr. X, and {yyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy} Pikachu. We end with Bob flying off with The Ham Sandwich.  
  
Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking this story may give you lung cancer  
  
"Hey Ham what should we do now?" asked Bob "Uh we could buy you some clothes." Said the mystical Ham Sandwich. "Yeah I am kinda cold, but how am I gonna pay?" "After we find the clothes you want, we'll burn down the store WE'LL BURN EVERTHING AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH" laughed the deranged sandwich "Uh AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" joined in Bob. They both fly off into the sunset with a full moon  
  
Coke kills but so do guns but you don't see me snorting' bullets huh HUH thought so.  
  
Gandalf and the gang will be back in Crossover Wars Episode 2: The Pantsless Menace  
  
Don't do milk and drink your drugs. Have fun kids. Bye-Bye.  
  
Ok, ok I know this story sux but it was late and I had too much Pepsi so please put away those crowbars and glocks and please forgive me I promise the next one will hopefully be better.... not. 


End file.
